Panic Attacks, and Driving.

Hi everyone, this is less of a beauty post, and more of a, I don't know, I really don't know what kind of post this is! Maybe it goes under the category of 'rant'. Or just me pouring my heart out...

If any of you can relate to either anxiety or panic attacks (or both!) then my heart goes out to you. It's truly horrible and something I wouldn't wish on anyone. But lately, people are really starting to get on my nerves because of the way they treat me or just anxiety in general. I've gotten to that stage on the anxiety road where people are starting to hate me for it I'm sure. I don't talk about it anymore because I don't want people to get tired of me. I bottle it up, and I know I shouldn't but it's easier.

I guess I'm writing this because my anxiety is like a ticking bomb... which sometimes settles and I can ignore, but recently it seems to be my whole life, exploding when I really could do with having a break.

I don't like having anxiety, it's not 'cool', it doesn't get you sympathy, people get sick and tired of your shit, they start to avoid you. Anxiety is not fun... However some people brand it around and it loses its meaning. People don't take it seriously, including most doctors... some are great and they do 'get it' but I find a lot just try and palm you off. 

I don't know why but I was feeling a little delicate yesterday. On the way to drop off my other half at a training event it just spiraled out of control. I'm pretty new on the driving front. Despite passing my test nearly three years ago I couldn't afford a car so I never really drove since. About two months ago I started driving again. I'm a crap driver I will admit that, but I suppose I'm still 'learning' in a sense. I can drive okay on my own, but when my hubby is in the car too I panic and I don't know why. He makes me on edge, like seriously want to vomit on edge. I don't know if it's because I'm worried I'll mess up and hurt us both or if his criticism of my driving just makes me paranoid. Either way, he gets in the car with me and suddenly driving becomes 10 times harder. Pathetic I know, I need to get my self under control.

I tried to fend off a panic attack whilst driving, which I was almost proud of, but instead of fighting if off completely, it decided to simmer there, and wait. I could feel it building and I knew it was going to happen, but as long as it happened when I wasn't driving I really couldn't have cared less at that point. I managed to drive to training, tears streaming down my face making stupid noises and when I got there I just wanted to leave, I knew I'd be okay driving back on my own.

I'd parked the car wonky, I wanted to straighten it up but hubby was pretty mad at me again and he got out and started getting the training stuff from the boot before I had the chance to stick it in reverse. So I sat embarrassed at my parking and terrified I was going to have an attack in the car. However a lecture on 'you'll get points on your license', and other comments just ramming into my head about basically how crap I am at driving, just pushed me over the edge. I sat in the training car park blubbering like crazy in my wonky parked car. I wanted the panic attack to just happen and get it over with, or just sod off completely. If there is one thing I find worse than a panic attack, its waiting in fear for one to happen, when you can just feel it crawling in your chest taunting you. Oh and there was my boss. Yay. An audience.

I didn't want my boss to see me, I didn't want anyone to see me. I wanted to be alone for a while, turn up the radio and just let go. But as people do, they insist on prodding you. My boss hadn't noticed I was in the car, until my other half pointed out something (I'm not sure what he told her) but anyway, she ended up coming over to the drivers side and being all like 'come in for a cup of tea' and then telling me she had bad days driving too. My boss is really really lovely, I could have cried more she was that nice to me. Possibly the only person who was at that point, I kind of want to text her to apologise for my blubbering, I am just that embarrassed. :'( 

People at training were really nice, I tried hard to stay quiet because if I try and speak when I'm like that I just start making wailing noises and end up crying again. It was obvious I'd been crying, mascara everywhere, my eyes looked like I was on meth... someone I work with was really nice too asking if I wanted to talk about it, which I did, but I knew I couldn't because I'd just cry. I can't talk and cry, and I definitely don't cry gracefully either.  

I didn't eat lunch I felt that sick so after my tea I went to work. Drove there okay, I wish I had a camera in my car sometimes to just show that I'm not completely useless. Got to work and had a lovely chat with the secretary. By this time I was feeling pretty drained and on edge, no panic attack yet but I could just feel it wanting to slam my face into the desk. Eventually it happened when I got home. I was alone, which I was so happy about. Then hubby came home from training and called me, so I went downstairs.

Only halfway down I slipped, landed awkwardly on my butt and slid the rest of the way down. I was in so much pain, but I think my hubby was just completely done with me at this point, as he basically just looked away. Ha. So I just got up and limped into the kitchen, trying to walk off the screaming pain in my bum and back.

I feel so embarrassed about yesterday and really hurt that it's just gotten to the point where my hubby can't stand the sight of me when I'm in anxiety mode.

On a more cheerful note, my Lush package came today!